So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
