This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
