after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
