Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
