apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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