If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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