he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
