My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
