i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
