Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I faked an abortion last night.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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