I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
