I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
