sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
