Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
