I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
