my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
