I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
