I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
