so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
