Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
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