You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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