i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
