he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
