i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
