His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You are a booty call, not a friend.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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