I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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