Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
