never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
