I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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