do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
