If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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