last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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