i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
