I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
