i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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