We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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