season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
