I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
