Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
