I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
