maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
