Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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