Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
