i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
