That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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