i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I cut my penus on the lid.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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