that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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