i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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