At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
