I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
