I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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