Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
