The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
