I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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