I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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