Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
