I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
