bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
