Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
