I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
