brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
