New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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