When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize