Me too!
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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