Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
