The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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