jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
