I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
im holly from the hills drunk
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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