my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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