Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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