I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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