...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
