I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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